So, no more dressing for at least a fortnight and nothing planned for when I get back from holiday, but I'm sure that won't take long. A quick review of the last four months (yes only four months) since i started doing this seriously and with a purpose. This is meant for all of us, but particularly myself, to understand what can be achieved in such a short space of time, and to pick up from where i left off in the New Year. I have been doing this pretty seriously, on and off since about 1996 and received much guidance from the staff in the early years so I could hit the ground running when I took it up again. But its still amazing how far i've got in such a short space of time.
So, where to start in these whirlwind four months. I think the most important thing I've learnt is that I am and will always be, a sissy, whatever happens. I thought originally, no believed, that i could pass and convinced myself that it was possible. Actually I can pass, provided there is sufficient daylight between the other person and myself and obviously less when its night. But ultimately, and if people want to know, I will be found out in an instant. The most wonderful example of this was when I swanned down the road at night feeling absolutely gorgeous (therefore probably looking it) in my sparkly gold dress. Three girls walked passed me and at the very last moment one said "oh my god, she's a transvestite". This was perfect because it gave off both the illusion i'm trying to portray and the reality. Not worrying about passing has freed so many other areas in my life but hasn't actually changed anything material. I still want to be the most beautiful woman i can, inside and out, but know now that i can never actually achieve it. I can though be a beautiful sissy, inside and out. Also I make a much better and more attractive sissy than i do a woman.
Next is confidence. I had been out dressed before but always a bit shyly. I'm still not totally 100% confident but am much, much more relaxed and am happy to do pretty much anything dressed. I have found, and will repeat this again and again here, that absolutely nothing bad has happened to me when dressed. The highlight of this was when i went to the Tate Modern as i had time to watch the expressions on peoples' faces. Most, when recognising, would either smile or giggle. Isn't that what we sissies crave for though, to make people laugh. I want people to know I'm a sissy so why worry or hide behind it, and as such i'm here to give people fun, enjoyment and a giggle.
Now to shopping and I'm amazed at the beautiful and cheap clothes out there. What I haven't yet done is shop for clothes dressed. I've bought plenty of other things but not clothes. I was going to try this at the fancy dress shop last week but it didn't quite work out. That has to be a target for next year. I was always polite, open and honest to the shop assistant and explained up front that i was a sissy (though not precisely in those terms) and got treated perfectly well wherever i shopped. Its interesting how quickly the word gets out once you have revealed yourself and all the assistants smile and say "have a good time" when you leave. So to make-up jewellery and accessories and I'm slowly making my way to sexuality which will be the hardest to write up. I must have been out over twenty times in the past few months and each time my make-up got better and my jewellery defined me more. When i look at women now, that's what i'm looking for. First the clothes and then how they accessorise them, how their make-up blends in with the look (sometimes it doesn't). If i see a beautiful girl i try to work out what makes her beautiful and whether i can learn anything from her. There is absolutely no sexual thought now, its as if i'm looking at a woman in the way other women do. Maybe its down to the pills.
OK lets hit sexuality. I have slept with six men in the last four months (quite a healthy average). When i started i was scared stiff with this bit but now i am much more relaxed and natural. Again I haven't had a bad experience. Each man i've slept with has looked after me and cared for me, though i have been careful - i've had many opportunities for a quick shag but have always got to learn a little bit about the man first. This is where i feel sad that i'm not a real woman. I have slept with girls in the past but it never felt right. Sleeping with men is much better and i love the afterglow, going to sleep with my head on their chest with them gently stroking me is beautiful and makes me feel a million dollars. I also really enjoy their lovely cocks. My date's last week was amazing, beautifully thick and hard,Having taken down his shorts my lips instinctively went to it and started sucking it, totally naturally. And i love sperm I love the salty sticky taste and like it to linger in my mouth for as long as possible. I suppose i am now completely gay for i only have sexual feelings for men. The only way i could become attracted to a girl is if she acted like a man and treated me like a woman. So, not only am i a sissy, but i'm definitely a slut.
The last thing i suppose is breaking the shackles. My family all know and take it differently though i have promised not to do it around them. My friends know, seem to accept but ignore it and we don't talk about it. Work are aware but won't yet take it further. I was sure I was going to be questioned at the office Christmas do last week, but wasn't. As i increase my hormone dosage in the New Year i'm sure it will become more apparent and questions will have to be asked.I'll take my time anyway, not force anything and leave it in their hands.
So, off to the Gambia on Tuesday and try to be a man again for two weeks - maybe the last two weeks ever. I will probably just about get away with it. I've left this diary entry for when i return, just in case i forget what i am. i won't of course, i'm a sissy slut and proud of it.
Watch your diet girls, but have a wonderful Christmas. Will write again in 2008.
Hugs,
tricia xxxx
