Merry Christmas

So, no more dressing for at least a fortnight and nothing planned for when I get back from holiday, but I'm sure that won't take long. A quick review of the last four months (yes only four months) since i started doing this seriously and with a purpose. This is meant for all of us, but particularly myself, to understand what can be achieved in such a short space of time, and to pick up from where i left off in the New Year. I have been doing this pretty seriously, on and off since about 1996 and received much guidance from the staff in the early years so I could hit the ground running when I took it up again. But its still amazing how far i've got in such a short space of time.

So, where to start in these whirlwind four months. I think the most important thing I've learnt is that I am and will always be, a sissy, whatever happens. I thought originally, no believed, that i could pass and convinced myself that it was possible. Actually I can pass, provided there is sufficient daylight between the other person and myself and obviously less when its night. But ultimately, and if people want to know, I will be found out in an instant. The most wonderful example of this was when I swanned down the road at night feeling absolutely gorgeous (therefore probably looking it) in my sparkly gold dress. Three girls walked passed me and at the very last moment one said "oh my god, she's a transvestite". This was perfect because it gave off both the illusion i'm trying to portray and the reality. Not worrying about passing has freed so many other areas in my life but hasn't actually changed anything material. I still want to be the most beautiful woman i can, inside and out, but know now that i can never actually achieve it. I can though be a beautiful sissy, inside and out. Also I make a much better and more attractive sissy than i do a woman.

Next is confidence. I had been out dressed before but always a bit shyly. I'm still not totally 100% confident but am much, much more relaxed and am happy to do pretty much anything dressed. I have found, and will repeat this again and again here, that absolutely nothing bad has happened to me when dressed. The highlight of this was when i went to the Tate Modern as i had time to watch the expressions on peoples' faces. Most, when recognising, would either smile or giggle. Isn't that what we sissies crave for though, to make people laugh. I want people to know I'm a sissy so why worry or hide behind it, and as such i'm here to give people fun, enjoyment and a giggle.

Now to shopping and I'm amazed at the beautiful and cheap clothes out there. What I haven't yet done is shop for clothes dressed. I've bought plenty of other things but not clothes. I was going to try this at the fancy dress shop last week but it didn't quite work out. That has to be a target for next year. I was always polite, open and honest to the shop assistant and explained up front that i was a sissy (though not precisely in those terms) and got treated perfectly well wherever i shopped. Its interesting how quickly the word gets out once you have revealed yourself and all the assistants smile and say "have a good time" when you leave. So to make-up jewellery and accessories and I'm slowly making my way to sexuality which will be the hardest to write up. I must have been out over twenty times in the past few months and each time my make-up got better and my jewellery defined me more. When i look at women now, that's what i'm looking for. First the clothes and then how they accessorise them, how their make-up blends in with the look (sometimes it doesn't). If i see a beautiful girl i try to work out what makes her beautiful and whether i can learn anything from her. There is absolutely no sexual thought now, its as if i'm looking at a woman in the way other women do. Maybe its down to the pills.

OK lets hit sexuality. I have slept with six men in the last four months (quite a healthy average). When i started i was scared stiff with this bit but now i am much more relaxed and natural. Again I haven't had a bad experience. Each man i've slept with has looked after me and cared for me, though i have been careful - i've had many opportunities for a quick shag but have always got to learn a little bit about the man first. This is where i feel sad that i'm not a real woman. I have slept with girls in the past but it never felt right. Sleeping with men is much better and i love the afterglow, going to sleep with my head on their chest with them gently stroking me is beautiful and makes me feel a million dollars. I also really enjoy their lovely cocks. My date's last week was amazing, beautifully thick and hard,Having taken down his shorts my lips instinctively went to it and started sucking it, totally naturally. And i love sperm I love the salty sticky taste and like it to linger in my mouth for as long as possible. I suppose i am now completely gay for i only have sexual feelings for men. The only way i could become attracted to a girl is if she acted like a man and treated me like a woman. So, not only am i a sissy, but i'm definitely a slut.

The last thing i suppose is breaking the shackles. My family all know and take it differently though i have promised not to do it around them. My friends know, seem to accept but ignore it and we don't talk about it. Work are aware but won't yet take it further. I was sure I was going to be questioned at the office Christmas do last week, but wasn't. As i increase my hormone dosage in the New Year i'm sure it will become more apparent and questions will have to be asked.I'll take my time anyway, not force anything and leave it in their hands.
So, off to the Gambia on Tuesday and try to be a man again for two weeks - maybe the last two weeks ever. I will probably just about get away with it. I've left this diary entry for when i return, just in case i forget what i am. i won't of course, i'm a sissy slut and proud of it.
Watch your diet girls, but have a wonderful Christmas. Will write again in 2008.

Hugs,
tricia xxxx

The Spring Fairy

Last chance this year, away on my hols on Tuesday and no dressing !!!!!! Make it count then - I did, but was different. Agreed to meet up with a guy who was fairly local and wasn't expecting much. I was wrong, but more about that later. First thing was to get a fairy costume for my online Mistress. Found a shop on the Internet which had a good supply. Web site is
http://www.pinkpineappleparty.co.uk/?page_id=3&category=63

Mistress wanted me to be the pink nymph fairy so, having got to Manchester thought I'd better check the shop out as it was only five minutes from where i was staying. Plan was to find the shop, dress, then get my costume but couldn't find the shop. The map I had printed didn't have a phone number so i was stuck. Mistress would be mad with me if i didn't get any pictures!Bright idea! go to the library, get on a computer and get more details. Eventually found the library and discovered I had been looking at the right place but it was inside a building owned by the University so went back - no time now to change just had to do it. There were students everywhere but went inside and asked; sure enough i was lead to two young girls sitting together in a large room with a couple of computer screens. Most of the work they do is for the University and they get this subsidised accommodation. They are really just an online business. They asked me the obvious question, "what do you want to be" deep breath!"

Actually, I want to be a fairy". Huge grins from the girls who realised they were going to enjoy this. "I think we've only got one fairy in stock, we can't keep a lot of stuff here, you should have ordered first, which one did you want"

"Well, My Mistress wants me to be the pink nymph fairy, but we only agreed last night". More grins.

"I think the only one we've got in is the spring fairy but I will have a look"

"That was my favourite actually", I said and one of the girls walked to the back of the room clearly suppressing laughter.I discussed my situation with the other girl while we were waiting explaining that i had to get a fairy outfit or my Mistress would be very cross; explaining that i was a transvestite and was going out in the evening. The girl returned with the spring fairy outfit and explained how tight the bodice was. I told her that was OK and that I had patches for my breasts and was quite used to going out bra-less. I told them about my flapper girl outfit which I was going to wear in the evening and they wanted to know every detail - my make-up, my bag, my shoes. They were loving every minute of it. I agreed to purchase the outfit and then asked about wings. The girl went to the back again to bring a selection and i discussed with the other girl the pictures I had to take. The first girl returned. "We've quite a selection but it looks like you've a choice of big or small wings". I paused."I suppose it depends on how dramatic a fairy you want to be" said the other girl giggling.

"I think my Mistress would want me to be as dramatic as possible so I will take the big wings" and the sale was done.

So I was set for my photo shoot tomorrow. Problem was that they didn't have a bag big enough for my wings so I had to walk back to the hotel carrying them for all to see. I recommend the shop and the girls, though having a real laugh at me, were polite and fun. I expect they are still talking about the spring fairy.

Time was going quickly now although I wasn't expecting my date until much later. I shaved, dressed and went round the village in short skirt and tights and top. Third bar I pulled and had nice chat with a guy. I was good and told him I was spoken for tonight but not to give up on me because i would be back in the New Year. He wasn't bad looking actually. Back to my hotel to change into my gold dress, but my date lost his way into Manchester and didn't arrive until after 11. Frustrating because I wasted an hour, but was all worth it in the end. He was much better looking than his picture. Took him to a bar and we had a chat to calm ourselves down and get to know each other more. He was quietly spoken and very nice, I knew then what I wanted.

Back to my room and we get undressed. I took off his underpants and he had this wonderful thick cock. Immediately, and without thinking, I went down and started sucking. It was heaven!He got aroused really quick but we both wanted just one thing, so I got up and put a condom on his beautiful shaft. We tried three different positions because he kept slipping out; I was so tight and it was so painfully but eventually, and bloodily, he got his manhood fully inside me and started shagging me hard. I was no longer a virgin. It was very painful and there was a lot of blood but he was good and kind and looked after me. He banged me for about five minutes but couldn't come - so he slipped out, I took off his condom and sucked him until he finally came in my mouth. Loved it!!

So next morning and my photo shoot. Mistress wanted photos of me as a maid and as the fairy. She wanted me to use my dildo as a wand, but I'd left it at home. Panic, and I will be in trouble. So I went out and eventually found a wand (which had good girl, naughty girl) on each side - needless to say I only used one side - and also managed to get a halo. Fortunately I did remember my maids outfit hence the picture above of me curtsying. I'll wait a couple of days before appearing as the spring fairy. Will be my last blog entry this year.

Another amazing couple of days in Manchester!

(I had) The time of my Life

What a brill day on Saturday with my boyfriend. He was simply a perfect gentleman (apart from later on bed!) and treated me like a princess. Met as agreed at 14:00 in the hotel, dressed Manchester style (yellow top, black belt, black denim mini, patterned tights, gold shoes and bag, fully made-up). Was feeling apprehensive obviously but he put me at ease. Took my hand and we walked out of the hotel, through a very crowded South Bank and to the Tate Modern. Spent three hours looking at exhibits (must admit most went over my head) but it was lovely just being there with him, dressed as I was. Looking at the exhibits also gave me the opportunity to gauge reactions. Its difficult to do this when you're rushing around town - but here we stayed in a single room for a while. Reactions varied from disgust, normally from older people which obviously isn't goo - but then its their narrow mindedness (often not their fault) so just shrug your shoulder and get on with it. To admiration which is deserved because its the hardest thing we'll ever do in our lives. To amusement which is my favourite because that's why were here - to give entertainment to others.Went back to the hotel after and had a couple of drinks in the bar before retiring to our room for a bit of hanky-panky.before getting dressed for the play.

Absolutely adored the dress I wore, so sexy and sassy - picked up a gold headband but couldn't get it to work with my hair. Later realised that it was the style (fringe) not my hair, so went without - still felt gorgeous though. We jumped into a cab and went to the theatre. Had a drink in the bar before the play with people milling about everywhere. Sadly didn't see any other trannies but that was good for me. The play itself was absolutely superb - extremely filthy so not recommended for demure girls and the key transvestite in it was hilarious - could definitely relate to her. Walked back to the hotel arm in arm (took about fifteen minutes), then to the bar for a nightcap before retiring back to the room. The un-gentlemanly bit? Being flogged for about half an hour, but in a wonderful way – sometimes pleasure, sometimes pain, and ended up extremely sore. Love playing the bedroom slut, love playing the slut anywhere actually, but then the surprising bit.When we had finished playing and decided it was time for sleep he put his arm round me and I laid my head on his chest. Like that we fell asleep together. It just seemed so right. I felt tranquil, protected, contented, secure and feminine. Really felt like a woman; it was beautiful.Bit more “how’s your father” – hope you American girls are understanding the slang (its not hard) and we had to part with a long huge snog, yummy. What a wonderful weekend! We are already working on the next!

PS Overheard at train station going home dressed in drab – sob (well almost). Middle Aged Woman to Middle Aged Man “There’s a transvestite there”

MAM, “Well he’s wearing a woman’s coat, but its bloody cold so I don’t blame him”

MOW “Trust me, he’s a transvestite”.

Sports players talk about getting in the zone. I wonder if we do that too, and it takes time to get out of it. Certainly never felt this way before and its so utterly adorable. Girls, get out there and do it - you don't know what your missing!

WOW - FANTASTIC

I'd rather be a trannie than a girl

Another wonderful day in Manchester, I do absolutely adore doing it - better than anything else in the world. Is it the only place where you can meet a 20 year old androgynous trainee priest called Paul, whose struggling with his chastity. Had a long chat, he daren't dress because he looks too good (I can believe that). You really had to concentrate hard to realise you were talking to a boy.Looks, gestures even speech could be male or female. Wish you luck Pauly, but I know you will survive, you are that determined.

Met and had some great fun with a group of gg's at Naps. Gg's seem absolutely fascinated by sissies like me and though we had long chats about transvestism, they treated me as on of them which was great. Especially when the strap of my dress came off exposing my right boob. Six girls fussing over me, trying to adjust it so it wasn't so revealing. Plenty of laughs (mostly at my expense) but great fun. Even turned downed a shag at one point. The line "You'll have to forgive me I'm very direct, but can we go back to your hotel and I'll give you a night you'll never forget" doesn't work for me. I suppose I had one other option. "£40 a blow job, £80 a shag", but I'm not quite there yet. Man magnet Tricia ha-ha, thats what the girls said when I told them.

My beautiful gold dress will have to go into retirement but I will keep what remains of it as a souvenir. It has kept me company and kept me noticed on four separate outings. Must get a new dress for bf next week; didn't manage to find the time last week. (sigh) bf, London, All About My Mother, six days only. What will happen, will I be disappointed. I don't know but it will be fun finding out. My darling, look after me, cherish me, I promise I'm worth it. Starting taking Estroven last week, only one pill a day for now, and they are definately working and I appear to have a a more healthy glow about me, and the lines on my face appear to be diminishing. I worry that it may be wishful thinking however. I hope I can grow some little boobs in the future but will stick to one tablet per day until the new year.

Bloody hell! just been nodded at in a pub and I'm in total male mode. Burly bloke with a crew cut. Then he followed out into the garden when I went for a smoke; eyeing me up and down just like they do in Manchester when I'm dressed up. I must be giving off some different signals - but I'm saving myself for bf.


10:00 am gmt yesterday Go to bar, deep voice, trying 2 be a man ha-ha, pint of Sneklifter please. Girl serving studies the signs and while pouring distracts my attention, "whats going on there then?"Look behing and there's riots in Pakistan on the screen, "Dunno"
"Looks like they're fighting over a frock"
"Wish I was with with them"
"Here you are sweetie", and my beer was served up with the biggest grin in the world yay, yay, yay, read and accepted.

10:00 pm gmt yesterdayWalking towards three attractive 20ish girls.Feeling a million dollars. Every time I do this I get better. Sexy gold dress (now sadly broke, see above), dead high, hips swinging, chest thrust out, sex on a stick ha-ha. Get withihin a few feet of the girls and the closest one takes a deep intake of breath. And as I'm walking past says "Oh my God she's a tranny!!"Whoo whoo, yay yay yay yay yay brill brill!!!!!!

Isn't there a song, "I'd rather be a trannie than a girl, yes I would" And i can, and i am - Wonderful day.

Out and dressed in Manchester and Sheffield

Hi all ,Exciting times in this sissy's life. Went back to Manchester to enjoy a night of clubbing and dancing and anything else I may wish to do (actually didn't this time).Anyway took this opportunity to completely out myself as a sissy male. Every item of clothing I wore feminine, from the new coat I bought in Next, to my jeans (actually trainers weren't, must see what I can do about that). Jewellary, perfume, nail varnish. No make-up or wig or boobs though. Needed to get some patches for my boobs in any case. It was wierd and got some questioning looks but nothing more. Travelled on train and tram like this.Think next time I go whole hog, because it doesn't make much difference - so watch out Manchester, lock up your sons haha!

Evening was great. Went round the gay village in black denim miniskirt, yellow top, coat and bag. Met a guy who wanted to shag the living daylights out of me - ke kept eyeing me up all over while we were talking, but had to leave early (wonder if he turned into a pumpkin) so he kept trying to talk me into taking him back to my hotel. Made of stronger stuff however (by the end of the night mostly lager, actually) and wanted to dress up and dance through the early hours (interesting that, for the time being anyway, more interested in dressing and playing than sex. Suspect that comes later. So to the night talking, dancing, drinking and smoking. Got a new nickname in the smoking shelter, Posh Spice hahaha, and everyone sang wannabee when I went out for a ciggie. No sex but met loads of people and absolutely adored it all. Can't wait for next time, Sheffield tomorrow if I can survive!I know, I don't look a bit like Victoria, but it was fun to pretend.

So, off to Sheffield for haloween night. Really enjoyed it and met lots of fellow trannies. Bad news is I had to work later than expected - why can't my customers get their act together - so I didn't get a chance to pick up my devil horns, just had to wear my sexy red dress - watch out, nipple alert haha. Sheffield not quite as much fun as Manchester but will do it differently next time. Club Xs was fantastic and got really busy from about 1:00 am. Must practice posing for a photo. Tried Jordan's technique of holding my tummy in and blowing my lips out but it doesn't work for me. Have a cunning plan to improve though, we'll see how it materialises.

Walked back to hotel through fairly dodgy area at 4:00 and have to be very careful, but was a good girl again - saving myself for my new boyfriend. Lots of straight people there as well as trannies and gays and dancing got really heavy from about 2:00. Not sure how I do it . Noticed something. I am starting to WANT to get seen and recognised, not to hide in the background trying to be a real girl, but to be out there as a sissy and talking to people as a sissy. I don't think I'm quite there yet, not enough pride in myself, but am getting there and think its only just a matter of time. Got to reign in a bit now and start scheming to get some more time away. Next official sissy outing is Nov 17th when I'm going to see a play (with trannies) with b/f and a sordid liaison in a London hotel (can't wait) - also running out of holidays at work so things getting tricky but have to keep going. Play is call "All About My Mother" and I will be trannying with the rest of the audience. Out and about in Sheffield, Manchester and London, lucky girl!.

Tony

What can I say about Tony, he's a dirty rat, he's a typical man; I don't know but he let me down trice. I met him one night in Naps and we chatted for an hour or so until it closed, then continued in my hotel room. He was rather too drunk to perform but I loved snuggling up to him and spooning. He had a really course hairy chest which made my hands tingle when I stroked it. I called him my grizzly bear. I tried my best to make him come but he couldn't. He didn't blame me though, put it down to the beer.

We exchanged phone numbers and starting texting each other the following week. Well to put the record straight, I would send a flirtatious message and he would reply 'yes'. We also phoned each other up late at night and had a bit of outrageous fun. I arranged to meet him the following week.

I texted him when I left home and phoned, and phoned, and phoned when I got too Manchester, but no reply. I decided to do my own thing in any case and had a great weekend (picked up another man actually) but was really disappointed I didn't see Tony because I liked him a lot and we seemed to be getting on so well. I forgot about him eventually until out of the blue he phoned me up and apologised. I was charitable and we arranged to meet again. This time he phoned me and we met in a pub in the village. He then led me all over the place, in and out of the village, introducing me to all of his friends, and he had so many. He didn't care I was a tranny and protected me all the time. For the first time I felt really special and really feminine. One thing about him thought was that he knew absolutely everybody, and I mean everybody. While we were walking people would stop him and start a conversation with him. He would introduce me though, as his girl Tricia, which felt really good.

I was desperate to go back and change into my new gold dress for the nightclub session so we agreed to meet up later and I wandered back to the hotel through the streets of Manchester. We did meet up later and spent more time talking (and me dancing). Needless to say we ended back at my hotel. It was only when we got into bed together that I realised that Tony was unwell. He was shivering will flu and had done an amazing job just surviving the night, never mind being so good to me. I snuggled up to him to keep him warm and he fell asleep with me kissing and caressing him. In the morning I got up early, dressed myself in denim skirt and pink top and went to the newsagent outside the village to pick up some paracetamol for him. It was clear to me that his attitude had changed me. If I had Tony behind me, I could do anything.When he woke he was terrible, shivering more than ever. I kissed and cuddled him again, made him a coffee to go with his paracetamol and he got a cab to take him home, and back to a bed without me.

We phoned and texted each other a lot when he got better the following week and arranged another meeting. This time hopefully Tony would be fully fit and able and we could catch up with what we missed out on. So I duly went back to Manchester, looking forward to seeing him again. But as the time before last he didn't show up and I couldn't contact him.
I guess it should be three strikes and your out so he's got one left. I miss him and I want to be with him, for the strength he gives me. So Tony, if you can ever get Internet savvy and read this, give me a call. Tricia can make you a very happy man, I promise. But don't ever let me down again! And its up to you honey, because this sissy is starting to become proud of herself and won't phone you. That too is down to you.

Thanks Tony,

First Time Back

Nearly caught up, just the last couple of months to write. Just seen this gorgeous clutch in New Look and am looking for what to wear to go with it, so the rest of the week is going to be fun.

Where was I, yes my partner and I had effectively split . She found a boyfriend and now spends more time away from than at home leaving me looking after the twins. The eldest has moved to London and is doing well. So, I could stay in my current rut forever but was desperate to go out and explore. The opportunity came when my ex took the twins on holiday leaving me a week by myself. I spent ages pondering but eventually decided that I had no choice, it was now or never. So I got all my girlie stuff together (that took some doing), packed what I needed and headed for Manchester which I know and love. I set myself only two goals; to enjoy myself and to get myself a passport photo, which would ensure I had to venture out. I had two gorgeous dresses to wear but needed to accessorise.

I took the Friday off work and went up in the train. The plan was:

• Get a hotel and dump my suitcase
• Shop in the mall, look for accessories and a casual outfit for early evening
• Back to hotel, change into casual outfit, get photos, have a quiet drink in the gay village
• Bach to hotel, glam up, then go clubbing

First part was easy, second part was fun. I found a denim mini skirt, yellow top, short jacket and jewellery at Primark for next to nothing. I decided I would like a little wrap to cover my shoulders for the clubbing bit so had a scout round. Decided on the shop; deep breath because I knew this was important and I had to get it right. Walked in, walked up to an assistant and explained that I was a tranny, was dressing up tonight, that I had a beautiful red dress to wear (and described it to her) and that I wanted something to cover my shoulders. She couldn't have been more helpful and took me round the shop showing me the options. I found a black one I liked and she asked about my size. I suggested medium and told her I was a size twelve. She said I looked medium small and she gave me that and a medium to try on in the dressing room. She stayed outside while I tried the wraps on and she was right, I was small-medium, in a girl's size, brilliant! I paid and as I walked out the other shop assistant smiled, and told me to enjoy my night.

Next, since my red dress left little to be desired, I needed some tit tape. I have patches which I use to attach my boobs to my body so I can go bra less, but it looks better if the sides are taped in. So I went into a specialist lingerie shop, described I was a tranny etc, etc and came out with some double sided tit tape. One girl served me, another took my cash, both with a smile. It was easier than I thought.

Next for part three, the really hard bit. I got myself changed into my evening clothes and put on my make-up, jewellery and wig. Needless to say it took me forever until I felt I looked right, but finally I was ready. Deep, deep breath. The hotel I found was in the gay village itself and I knew it was safe walking around there, but I had decided to get my passport done at Manchester Piccadilly Station, a large main line station. It was about 18:00, the sun was out and it would still be busy. I was very nervous as I left the village but absolutely nothing happened, no comments, nothing. I knew I had to look confident and keep my head high, but I was amazed. I got my photos taken (god I looked rough) and walked back feeling elated though somewhat puzzled. Maybe I could pass - that is beyond my wildest dreams. I walked back through the village, stopped to have a small beer, sat outside to drink it and made my way back to the hotel.

Back in my room I took ages and ages to get ready again but really liked what I saw in the mirror and liked my little wrap. I went to the nightclub fairly late - about ten and to start with it was quiet. I met and got on well with this gg called Susi, who described herself as trisexual. She liked girls as well as boys but particularly boys who dressed as girls. Unfortunately she had a boyfriend and we discussed various techniques of getting him to crossdress. I did a great deal of dancing, with Susi, tranny's, gays, straights, lesbians, you name it. I then got chatting with a lovely man and took him back to my room where we spent the night together. He was very kind and considerate and I felt very feminine snuggling up to him in bed. Then we urned the lights off. Quite an amazing day!

Je ne regrette rien

What a load of rubbish that is. I regret everything about my former life. Why didn't I just accept what I was? Why wasn't I myself? Why did I try to hide it all? No more regrets. Go out and be yourself Tricia; you need to be brave, but you are. you need to risk loads but you can. You can do it, girl.
So I walked round Manchester for over an hour, fully made up with wig, short blue denim skirt (god I love my legs), yellow top, green jacket. Blue and green not fit to be seen except upon a fairy queen (so that's fair enough) and I get no response. I must be able to pass? Isn't that brilliant., until at the end a few schoolgirls start whistling at me and making comments. I have prepared for this however, and hod my head up high and keep on walking. I have been out dressed, I have survived, there was a rush and excitement, but somehow I feel strangely empty. So to night time and I am the dancing queen. Gave my red dress an airing and tried going bra-less using patches. It works well with my tit tape. Wonderful night and up arm-in-arm with a man called Tony. I try and I try and I try to get him to cum; his cock must have been in my mouth for hours, but he's too drunk. Gives me a hard spanking for failing to make him cum but I can see he is not too bothered, and kisses my backside afterwards. We exchange numbers, this could go somewhere.
Well it didn't. Two weeks later I'm back in Manchester to meet him. But his phone is off the hook, I couldn't get in touch. No regrets Tricia, out you go girl around Manchester, show everyone what you are. And I did again, but this time it was different. People were too busy to be interested in little me. It was quite strange. I was doing what I wanted to do but not getting anything from it. Was it what I wanted to do?
Then I went back to Canal Street where the gays and trannies go, and was in my element, I got comments and whistles, posed for photos and it was great fun. I was so obviously a tranny - but so what, it felt great. Dancing Queen again that night, another guy back to the hotel, and this time my first taste of cum, yummy!

Alter Ego

If the previous post was hard, this is well nigh impossible. I wasn't sure whether to include it at all but after chatting to Gina last night (thanks hon and get out there girl, or you'll never know and will regret) realised its importance. Part of the purpose of this blog is to help trannies everywhere and this will I hope explain why I am a transvestite. I am not transsexual or a cross dresser. So a deep breath and I'm just going to type away and see where it goes ....... ouch!

I am very proud of my other self who is called Iain. He is caring, kind, honest, trustworthy, open, considerate and principled. I suspect he is a somewhat nicer person than myself. He works hard with little reward and adores his family. I suppose I should say that for letting me into the world, but I do believe it. In some respects we are as different as chalk and cheese. He is a deep thinker who worries and churns things over in his mind for days, whereas I act on the spur of the moment. He is very quite and shy whereas I am much more open and up front. I am struggling to properly express this at the moment having been locked in Iain's psyche for so long but I know that over time this will change. He couldn't care a jot about what he looks like (hardly surprising as he wants to look like me) whereas I am obsessed with it. I love reading the fashion magazines and websites, he prefers serious newspapers and novels. I suppose he is complex and I am flippant. He cares too much about the world; I know I care too much about my appearance.

We do get on very well but I have noticed that the more Iain allows me into his life, the more our qualities merge and I think this is a good thing, it makes us both more flexible. Most of the time it is correct to ponder before making decisions but sometimes you have to just do it, you have to immediately choose which way to go; I come into my own then. I also notice that sometimes at work Iain will send cheeky emails (sshh actually its me!) that are a bit risky or I will come out and make a cheeky or camp comment in the most surprising circumstances. I need to be careful though, I don't want to harm him. We do have our little battles, and for the time being Iain is winning most of the the important ones, at least from a moral perspective. For example, I would like Iain's picture on this post, because I want to be open and honest. Iain has forbidden me however because he wishes to protect his children and his job. I guess that makes him a bit more of a realist. I am well aware that my head is sometimes in the clouds. I think this may change and it will be interesting to see if it does. If Iain's picture ever does appear here you will know that I have totally taken control.

I suppose you are wondering why Iain has let me into his life, especially since I am so proud of him. Well I'm afraid he had no choice. For years and years he thought he did but ultimately he did not. You see sexually, as a male, he is completely inadequate. He cannot perform on top at all, and even when he's underneath he needs me to help him out (the poor darling). I contain more than enough sexuality for the both of us though. I have been a bit naughty and started sleeping with men, (I really enjoy it) and he seems to have accepted it, another example of how we work well together as a team. So I suppose you could say that sexually I am completely in the ascendancy, and I always will be.

So there you have it, my other side, my better side?, my Iain, I love him to bits and don't want to hurt him or his close circle of family and friends,

I'll let him get on with his work now,

Inevitability

Then the Internet reached me and I realised I wasn't alone. I couldn't believe it. Thousands and thousands of people who were similar to me, desperate to be what they were but equally desperate to hide it. So I started to talk, and I started to learn, and I couldn't resist any longer. Later that year, it
was 1995 (I know because of the operating system (geek!) my Father died. This totally destabilised me and I was at a loss at what to do. I haven't yet mentioned my parents, but they were so lovely, they brought me up perfectly, and my feelings were nothing to do with them. I still love them both dearly. My Mother knows what I am but never wants to see me as Tricia, after all I am her only son. But...... she is old and I don't, desperately don't, want to scare her.

Then I told my partner, there was no other way, I had to - it was really getting to me. She was at first supportive and we went to get a wig fitting and went to Manchester, with me dressed yippee!, on a couple of occasions. Ultimately though neither of us could cope. My tranny ways were coming home, and would roost, and she simply could not accept me as the person I was when we met. We have, and are still, together for the children but ultimately we lead separate lives. We both wanted our freedom but still love the children though and would hate any real harm to come to them. I think we are working together to ensure all is OK.

As for me, I got some excellent advice and started getting a wardrobe together. Its not bad and is growing almost daily. I wear panties all the time, have grown my nails and have taken to wearing nail varnish and wear perfume, but only on my wrists when in male mode. I do like to smell the perfume during the day. I am basically on the limit of male acceptance.

Hugs all, I feel quite emotional over that.

Supression

Oh just look at my muscles - what a hunk! Bet you frightened of me!

So I left university, started a job in computing and threw myself into sport, particularly cricket, and beer. I was trying to cover up what was inside, trying to be macho (ha ha) and to some extent it succeeded. Men would treat me as one of them but as soon as I met a woman, she read that there was something different about me. I have more of an idea why now. I didn't think, kiss or act as any other man she had met before (not surprising). I was in no way the predator she was used to and was desperate for her to take control. It was extremely difficult for me to get past a first date - and as for sex? Not with me anyway.


I did get one or two chances to dress up, at themed parties - but the ache I felt when I took off my clothes and make-up hardly made it worthwhile, added to that I looked awful. So I suppose in my mind at the time I was succeeding but I had no clothes of my own and wasn't particularly happy. I moved into a flat with a mate, a wonderful guy who knew nothing then but does now and is so scared, so the opportunities became less and less. Under the bedclothes however things were getting quite a bit more fun. I couldn't resist the tranny phone lines which were available at the time and love to read about tranny's in newspapers but couldn't bring myself to buy a tranny magazine. I was learning about my submissive side.


Then I met the girl of my dreams, trying desperately to forget the fact that I was the girl of my dreams. We knew each other as friends earlier so the transition wasn't too hard. I was very much in love and did think that I had got rid of the biggest burden of my life. Inside me I was determined to make it work. Sex was so difficult though, as soon as I got on top there was nothing there. We managed, thanks to her determination, and eventually produced twin girls to go with her other daughter. So I had a ready made family and I was WAS going to be a Father to them. I still love them to bits. Sexually things went downhill after the twins were born, though I wouldn't describe it as a particularly steep decline. I did play the dutiful Father and feel my femininity helped in bringing them up. I was and still am much closer to them than most men manage. So I was stuck in a rut. No dressing, no clothes, much love for my children; but many many thoughts deep down which were getting more and more erotic. I'm amazed it hasn't worn away!

It started in the womb

The one thing that's constantly been with me all my life is that I love, no adore, dressing as a member of the opposite sex. It was clearly there before I was born since my earliest recollection of childhood is being told off by my Father for putting on my Mother's stage dress (she was a singer, her stage name was Margaret Dale, hence why I am Tricia Dale). I wonder now how I managed to get it on! I also remember playing silly dress up games when I was desperate to play a girl's part. All my friends would say I couldn't and I would accept it. If only I knew now.... Then, as I got older and reached puberty, I realised that the little thing between my legs was not just for peeing. I can remember the first time I masturbated. The class at school had to go skating (why, goodness only knows, I'd never been skating in my life, I guess it was on TV at the time) and my grandmother had to get me an emergency skating outfit and bring it to school. It arrived in a package and I was only given it when I was in the changing room. I think you know the rest, it was a sparkly emerald green dress (why? but I still love that colour), and had the prettiest, frilliest emerald green panties. I tried to hide in the toilets but was found by the teacher and had to walk onto the ice in front of the whole class, boys and girls, to whistles and catcalls. I suppose my life hasn't changed much since then, at least privately. The trouble is that I was, and am still not, ever worried about being a man. I could do it, I could hack it; I was popular, I was good at sports - especially football and cricket. Under the covers however my dreams got more and more erotic. So I reached 16, 17, 18 whatever and I should have been dating girls. This was a real problem because I'd look at a girl and think how much I wanted to be her, to wear what she wore, to smell how she smelt, just to have the opportunity to be feminine. I did go on some dates but I just wasn't committed enough, although the girls were lovely I had no desire to ravage them, I suppose I just wanted to be them. At this stage in my life I never thought about boys at all or whether I fancied them, however had I allowed myself to dress as I would like, I think I would. I would see a very pretty girl with a guy and just think how wonderful it would be if I were her.

So I went to University. Successful at school and still playing sport to a very good level. Inside me this desire to be feminine, to look and feel like a woman; but externally I would do everything to fight this off. I was seen through at University and had options to develop my feminine side (how I now wish I had taken them). I did have girlfriends but I couldn't make love to them as a man would. Underneath I suppose I still wanted to be underneath. I fought and fought for the one thing I shouldn't have fought for. So I left University with a degree but no acceptance of what I really was, so I carried on fighting. The dreams got more erotic, the masturbation better and better